Marriage...

I was sitting besides two buddies, across the booth from my good friend and his newly engaged fiancee in our local truck stop back home. The water was refreshing, the coffee hot as hell while we talked about recent happenings and various thoughts. I moved the subject onto the responsibilities and comparisons at our age level now relative to how it was when our parents were growing up. There seems to be a longer period of shelter, a convinced generation of guardians who believe we aren't ready.

Our conversation made me question where I'm at in my life. I don't feel my age, but I am ready to live it. Sure I'm fairly fixed in my position, continuing studies in a city that I have to say is home due to the fact I've been here for five years now. Little by little, however, my hopes and dreams are trickling into my life. The ones I can control at least.

It brought us to marriage, what it means in our society today. Seems marriage during our parent's lives was still a conventional means to living. Everyone knew the traditions, honored and respected them for the most part. Somehow it became streamlined during the years, individuals began to believe that happiness meant marriage, with a beautiful house, a family to nourish and love, a new car to drive. We all agreed real love, real thoughts and actions of marriage were almost lucky.

I looked at all of the solo truck drivers eating in their booths alone. What does marriage mean to me? I grew up watching my dad model how a loving father behaves. Like him, I have a passion to love, to teach, to learn, to parent...I told myself it was in my blood. I didn't understand at the time, how completely special a REAL marriage and family is unfortunately. My friend's joyous engagement and my recent break up helped me see how the stars align, how destiny, fate, our big nurse etc. has a plan for us. And in the world we live in today, marriage to me is the rare discovery of that part of the plan.

There's too many variables in the world we live in today, it gets to a point where marriage can't simply be for financial stability or a means to having a family. Marriage to me is having a foundation, a friend, a love, who'll be there when you fall down in this variable wilderness. It's a partner in solving this world's distortions. And though I know it's ultimately not in my control, I question my return to living a bullheaded, one track dream. With all of my dreams and hopes, how can I possibly take the time and commitment for a woman especially when I can't expect her to do the same?

It all comes back to believing. Believing that when we you meet the perfect person, you're both willing to tackle the difficulties and work towards your grouped hopes and dreams. And it won't matter if it happens in an evening at a truck stop or several confusing years on a stressful college campus or a lifetime.

We won't know until the end anyway.

My red period...?

"I fuckin' hate white people."- White Boston Celtics fan storming out of a 7/11.

It's like I'm starting all over again, my life. Had a great conversation with the girl, we relaxed and laughed, I gave her a kiss goodbye...could be the last time I see her, I just don't know. And yes, I'm starting over, exactly back where I started it seems. I could so use a direct life changing refresher, but I guess I've gonna have to put on the gloves for that one.

I have ideas.

I'm gathering wood, not for the flame, but to fill my room to force me to whittle.

Certain nights this week had me feeling like I was the smallest spot of dust in Columbus. And that's balogna! It's simply insane how a culture, a city, a people so marinated with isolation could have me floundering like a fish up and down high st. I guess it could be worse, I could be a Boston Celtics fan and hate white people.


F.U.J.F.

I'm Old...and I've Got Hurt Feelings?

It's been such a long time...(hmmm Boston)

You get caught up with the education for your future career, a woman who seeks you out of the pack only to drop it like it's hot in the end, and you pass go, but you're not collecting that two hundred dollars...That's what I've been doing.

What is it about sorrow/somber/sulking that makes people want to write? I started this blog around a break up, and I'm bringing it back with one now too. I swear I'm a happy guy.

It's finals time and I've been in full ball breakin' mode. Having just about gone through two quarters, I've learned a lot in the realms of education, spirituality, community and lifestyle. Of course those recent experiences in my life have helped me clear the path to these understandings, but I'd like to be a bit boastful and say I've finally spun the mirror around in my heart and have become aware of my wants and beliefs through the reflection. I now know that I want the simple life, and no I'm not talking Paris and Nicole. I want to maintain a spiritual side, a global community activist side, a tree choppin' ax side, a ride my bike into the park/woods with guitar and sketchbook in hand side, a happy side.

And that's exactly what those sides create for me: happiness. I feel older knowing this. I feel older looking on and interacting with those I know who don't get it. Who are still caught in the hamster wheel that this world forms around us. Truth be told, I'm not even out of the hamster wheel yet, but I've got my feet on the edge and I know exactly where I'm going to take off running to when I hit the ground.



Ugh